do you ever...And then wake up the next day wondering what the hell is wrong with you?
Please please please read this. Even though it's long. I just need somebody to tell me something. Anything. I'm losing my mind.
Anybody wanna try to psychoanalyze me? Because I can't really do it myself right now. I'm too emotionally unstable, in a way that makes me wonder if I'm bipolar or something all of a sudden, or if I'm just having a really weird experience. (Maybe it was food poisoning? Haha.)
So I sort of have a boyfriend. Surprise! That's sort of what it was like for me, too. Like, click. He's the sweetest person ever. Ever. He has to tell me I'm wonderful in some new, heartfelt way, every time I talk to him. And I think he means it, really. Because I have sort of known him a while.
Only problem is, he's at community college because he dropped out of school last year, and we've only been talking online and with text. The chatting online thing bothers the hell out of me. Because I've always felt like it was so impersonal, really. That's pretty much in my genetic makeup it's so firmly fixed in my head. I can't stand texting. It's antisocial. I never text, dammit.
So why the hell can't he be cute? Maybe even slightly cute? Nope, he has to be the most unattractive person ever. Which shouldn't bother me if I'm not a discriminatory little bitch, right? Dammit!
So now I'm selfish because I want someone better looking. Just a little bit better looking.
Look, I've never been kissed, never went on a date, never fallen in love, can you make my first one good??
Not that he isn't wonderful. He's so nice it kills me. Kind of like, why do you like me so much? I can't be that likable. Or somebody would have said something by now. Ok, that just makes me feel sad.
Because why the hell not?? Why is it that no guy ever said a damn thing to me?? I just don't get it. I'm really pretty. Really smart. Not very approachable, but I try to be really nice. So fml? How did every other girl get a nice guy? I don't understand how it's done.
I don't understand any of this, dammit.
It was sort of amazing when it all happened, just because it's so new to me. And we had so much in common, even though my gpa is ridiculous, and he's a drop-out, and whatnot. He seemed to really be caring. I mean, he really is. And it was all like it fell into place.
We already had a ton of personal jokes by the end of our first conversation. We sort of read each other's minds at times. And everything I wrote was just perfect and awesome.
So what the hell is MY problem??
Look, I'm too insightful. I'm too deep. I think too much. And he's got none of that. I mean, I can't really discuss all the thoughts about life that pop into my head without him feeling inferior. And he won't get it anyway. Well, he might. Just not in my terms.
When I go through life, it's beautiful. Everything is beautiful. Everything I think about has significance. Every moment I spend interpreting life my own way and trying to make some of it beautiful. Does he appreciate art? I really don't know. But it's my life, and if he doesn't, I'll be entirely crushed.
Does he appreciate music? He tells me he cares about lyrics, only lyrics. But I can't only care about lyrics.
Music is one of those things I'm so passionate about, that I can hardly describe it. Nobody shares my taste in music, ever. It makes me feel so alone, but I'm always looking for more to listen to, more that I like. I'm really picky. It has to be wonderful all around. And for me, the instrumentals are most important. No. Not for me. For music in general to be good, it has to fucking be good. That can't be argued.
You think I don't care about lyrics? I've spent months of my life interpreting the lyrics on albums. I'm a music connoisseur if there ever was one. And I'm as snotty as all hell to people who listen to bullshit. Sorry, that's just me. Take it or leave it. Or listen to good music.
And now that I've figured out my own opinions on everything, it's just really fricking annoying to be near someone with no sense of foundation. Hell, politics is a sad load of shit, but I have an opinion. I have a lot of opinions. They go with all my values and principles. Which tie up into one little ideological package. Which, by the way, is the correct one to have. I can't help but believe I'm right. Right and wrong are solid concepts, people. (He has opinions too, but they aren't all tied together at all, so he just thinks things. Which makes him so much better than me, right?)
So, that just sounded really bitchy, huh? The point here is i really hate it when people disagree with me. Maybe I'm just really insecure.
This whole thing leads me to believe I'm a downright awful person. So I kinda want to let him know, you know?
Or maybe I just get really fricking ticked off and annoyed that he listens to real bullcrap music. So I got mad. This all just ended up being set off like a bomb yesterday. So I acted really awful, and now I don't know what he thinks.
Either way, I don't know what to do about it. I tried sending him one of my long and insane rants, which was longer and more insane than usual because I was freaking out emotionally. So he probably thinks I'm fucking messed up. He sent a note back, and it just sounded really pissed off. But that he really likes me still, and that I'm not going to change that with my bitchiness (as i put it, bitchiness).
He wrote that he never rants. Shit, another difference. He's never going to understand my ranting.
He seemed so pessimistic in that note. He seems so depressed sometimes.
He had this other girlfriend who broke his heart, and half of me thinks that's still on his mind three years later. Mostly because he brings her up all the time. Maybe because he said that he would have done anything for her. Maybe because I think, as false as it is, that he still sort of loves her. Maybe this sentence just hurt: "I think subconsciously I must look for girls to be attracted to that have something seriously wrong with them."
I'm just a bitch, don't mind me. And now I'm freaking humiliated for getting upset. It's not like my reasons amount to anything.
(Nothing amounts to me acting like that.)
I can't help but feel really depressed, terrible, and undeserving right now. Who knows if he understands that. He didn't seem to recognize anything last night when we chatted. I dropped mega hints and they never found their target. And now he's trying to chat with me right now, because he so innocently loves me and all, but I just can't pull myself together. Do I just want to hurt him, or what? Maybe there really is something seriously wrong with me.
I really don't deserve his, or anybody's, affection. All these years alone have taught me that. If not that, then the way I just acted stole the show.
I remember thinking about this earlier, months earlier. How there's nobody for me, and how love isn't really there, anywhere. It's sort of like that. And how I'm happier alone. Because I am. I hadn't resigned myself to solitary confinement when i said it before, which nobody seemed to understand. I'm a loner. And my paradox is, as much as I feel the need to show everybody who I am and make myself clear, nobody will ever listen. The whole world has its ears shut. And even though that's my motive in life, I think I'll just keep doing it, and keep getting disappointed. Sounds pessimistic, but that's what I'm reduced to.
I need some help, guys. Pleeeeeease.
Guilty
Devious Comments
As you said, nobody ever approached you before (which just means that you're more attractive to shy guys, and come on, would you really want one of those guys who chase girls like crazy?), and if the one person who did would leave you so soon after you learned how great and how much fun it is to be with someone.. Then it doesn't look too good.
I'd like to stress that you really are not an awful person. Would you be this freaked out if you were really awful? If you were really awful, you'd do all this and don't give a dime. But you do give a dime, way more than a dime. You're worried that you might be wrong (even though you know you're right), although you're not sure why you would be wrong or how you could fix it.
This guy, your boyfriend, why is he your boyfriend? Apparently, he's not cute, not too bright nor too interested in your interests. Depending on how bright he really is, he probably noticed that there are a lot of differences between you as well. Still, he says he loves you. He doesn't want to leave you. But why? What does he know? Isn't he just confusing you? Or is he really interested in you? Does he really want to know how you think, work, what you're like, what you like?
If he really talks about his ex so much, there's a good chance for two options. You either resemble her or he's just really glad he found you and is now able to finally move past her. In case you haven't already, you might want to ask him to stop comparing you to his ex though, since that's really just no fun at all.
Anyway, there's no arguing you two are different. Really different. But doesn't that just make it more interesting? More fun? If you were the same, do you really think you could have so many personal jokes so quick? Isn't it because you're different, that you want to stay with him? He's someone who would listen to you, who you could 'teach' your ways. Maybe he could even teach you a thing or two. I don't know, neither do you nor does he. They're things I can't tell you, and I wonder if there really is anyone who could. Should you stay with him? Should you search for someone who looks better? Should you just stay alone? It could all happen, or maybe something else'll happen.
For now, though, you showed him how 'awful' you can be. You showed him how you can freak out, how you can rant, how much you care for your passions. Even though he knows that now, he doesn't see you as awful at all and really wants to stay with you. Whether you really want to stay with him, you'll have to decide for yourself. If he's really too thickheaded to see what you want, what you need, then it won't last long. But if he has something special that you can't help but love..
I feel like I covered only the smallest part of your rant, so if there's anything you'd like me to comment on, feel free to ask.
--
.ninja {
color: black;
visibility: hidden;
}
And then wake up the next day wondering what the hell is wrong with you?
Yeah, it happens...a lot, more than I would care to admit D=
How did every other girl get a nice guy? I don't understand how it's done
-I don't think your supposed to understand, hon, it just kinda happens...
And in my opinion, if you want someone to really psychoanalyaze you, you should talk to a little kid...no kidding, because their just so honest and everything (or find someone with that mentality)
Look, I'm too insightful. I'm too deep. I think too much. And he's got none of that
-Well, someone in the relationship has to be...think of it this way, you, probably, bring out the more serious side of him, and he, probably, brings out the more "thoughtless" side of you...possibly
He wrote that he never rants. Shit, another difference. He's never going to understand my ranting
-hon, I never rant, and yet I still understand how you feel...so there's a pretty good chance that he'll understand what your trying to say...Your rants aren't as insane as you think they are.
This is probably not going to help but, things will work out eventually...
--
the next sentance is false. the previous sentance is true
"...,naturally, I must be related to them, right? I pointed out that, shockingly, not all Asians are related..."(Armstrong, The Summoning, page 312)
Anyway, IMHO, relationships are idealized by the masses. Happy ending. Blah blah blah. I say take it day by day. Slow and steady wins the race.
Love him. Hate him. Decide whether or not it's worth it and move forward.
--
--
98% of people who post statements like this in their signatures use false statistics. If you're part of the 2% who don't, copy and paste this into your signature......hey....wait a second...
I see what you mean...I'll think it over.
--
98% of people who post statements like this in their signatures use false statistics. If you're part of the 2% who don't, copy and paste this into your signature......hey....wait a second...
It sure feels nice to hear that I'm not really an awful person. I sort of just thought I had no reason to freak out like I did. And I haven't talked to him in days because I feel so bad, and I don't know if he understands.
I wonder what he thinks and why he likes me so darn much. It's hard for me to understand because nobody has ever approached me before...so maybe that's part of why I'm freaking out. Also, that he still likes me even after I got really upset is confusing, because we haven't known each other that long. I don't really know what he thinks.
He's said that his ex is sort of part of who he is, because she hurt him so badly. I just wish he'd stop talking about her. He says he is definitely over her, but I don't know why he brings her up.
All the differences between him and me, they might be good or bad, i don't know. I really have no idea what I want, exactly. I mean, I'd want to be with someone who values the things I'm passionate about, but besides that, I'm utterly confused. And that may be part of why I'm upset. I have no idea if he understands that at all, probably not.
It's all a big mess and I don't know how to fix it. I don't know if I even want to be with him. I just feel bad for acting the way I did, and I don't know what to say to him. I feel like if I try to explain it, it'll seem like I'm not apologizing. That's why I haven't contacted him.
The other thing I'm worried about is that we only talk online and through text. We haven't actually gone out on a date. I haven't spoken to him in person for months, and we never really spoke then anyway. The whole thing seems unnatural.
--
98% of people who post statements like this in their signatures use false statistics. If you're part of the 2% who don't, copy and paste this into your signature......hey....wait a second...
glad to be of some assistance
--
the next sentance is false. the previous sentance is true
"...,naturally, I must be related to them, right? I pointed out that, shockingly, not all Asians are related..."(Armstrong, The Summoning, page 312)
well, actually i'm not sure i can do that, i can try.
what i'm saying is, you're only a freak if i am.
because for me it was the guy i liked for a year and half and ended up dating for three months. not to sound all narcissistic and relate it to my life, but hey, i'm the person i know best.
i know what you mean about being so nice. when people are so nice to me it almost seems like they're being fake. it's who i am- i'm not ridiculously nice and i don't expect people to be. it throws me off even if they mean well.
bad news is my solution was to break up with him... i'm not sure what you should do because i don't know the entire situation and my parents are telling me to eat dinner so i can't finish reading (sorry) but at least i had enough time you aren't crazy and/or you're only as crazy as i am.
--
You, my friend, are a worthless peon. And you will always be a worthless peon.
Yay, I'm not crazy! This makes me happy. Thank you.
--
98% of people who post statements like this in their signatures use false statistics. If you're part of the 2% who don't, copy and paste this into your signature......hey....wait a second...
Previous Page12Next Page